Honoring deceased loved ones on your wedding day can be heartwarming

October 23, 2015

Author: Rosa Caballero

In the days leading up to her wedding, Lauren Chertok was heartbroken. Her beloved Aunt Rosie, who taught her to make meatballs and often came over for Sunday dinners, died just two weeks before her big day, leaving her large family enveloped in sadness.

"It was hard to celebrate and be so happy when everybody was mourning my aunt and grieving her," Chertok, 24, said of her mother’s eldest sister, Rosie Van Acker, the aunt and godmother who was like Chertok’s second mom.

Chertok felt that her aunt, who died on June 20 at age 76, would have wanted her to carry on. She did, marrying Josh Gutes as planned on July 5, a very happy day despite the raw pain.

Still, the bride, a kindergarten teacher who lives in Nesconset, N.Y., felt she had to represent Rosie at the celebration so "we didn’t forget what our family just went through."

Photo: bridesmaid dresses

Chertok pinned a small photo of Aunt Rosie to her bouquet, displayed a photo of the two of them from Chertok’s Sweet 16 party at the reception, and lit a candle in her honor. The 250 guests who gathered at the Larkfield in East Northport, N.Y., raised a glass to Aunt Rosie, and an Italian song played.

In ways big and small, many brides and grooms honor lost loved ones on their wedding day. The tributes, silent or overt or somewhere in between, are a good idea for those who are missing somebody important that day, said San Francisco wedding planner Kathryn Kalabokes.

"A wedding is the one time that everyone would be there, and when you’ve lost someone, especially during the planning process, it can be very devastating," she said. "The best thing to do is to honor them because you know that person would have been there and been a significant part of the wedding."

A tribute, though, should feel right for a celebratory day.

"It is important to honor that person who is close to you, but maintain the positivity and look ahead to the life change and union of two people," said Jamie Miles, the managing editor of TheKnot.com.

To come up with a fitting tribute, consider your relationship with the person. What did he enjoy? What are your memories of her? "It’s all about making it a personalized remembrance and what feels right to you," Miles said.

Kalabokes said many couples are worried about bringing their guests down on what is supposed to be a happy day. She recommends talking with each other and with family members to see what everyone is comfortable with, so nobody is caught off guard.

There are many ways to remember a loved one, from traditional to creative and personal. For a traditional approach, list the person’s name in the program, or dedicate a poem or reading. Light a candle in his or her honor, or have a moment of silence during the ceremony. Couples sometimes leave an empty chair as a tribute.

A popular reception tribute is the display of photos of departed relatives. A loved one’s special cooking creation can be served with dessert or handed out as a favor. Or, couples can make a charitable donation in the person’s honor. For a more subtle tribute, a bride may stitch a memento under her gown, such as a piece of her mother’s wedding gown, or wear a loved one’s garter. Wearing keepsake jewelry or cuff links from departed relatives keeps them close.

Weddings are emotional, and thinking about someone who died may not be right for everyone. For Chertok, the tributes were a comfort.

"She did so much for me growing up and for my family," she said, "that doing something to honor her meant a lot to me."