How to Upset Your Courier Driver

You’ll probably find that your courier driver is a pretty nice person and usually also pretty unflappable. However, if you want to get them venting steam out of their ears, you can try some of the following – with grateful thanks to some of the customers who have inspired these through real-life episodes.

"It’ll be ready in only 15-20 minutes or so."

This is a good one that’s guaranteed to get, at the very least, sighs of exasperation and, with luck, an outraged expression from the courier driver. That’s because he can’t understand: why it isn’t ready given you’d originally asked for collection to be made an hour earlier; and why you think he or she has that much spare time in their schedule.

"Sorry, I know nothing about this and the guy that does has just gone for lunch."

This one is particularly effective at generating high blood-pressure if the courier driver has just rushed their lunch or forgone it altogether so as to get to you on time.

"We weren’t expecting you until tomorrow morning."

You’re referred to the comments above!

"The box is over there – it’s only about 150lbs or so."

In theory, this should never happen because of the specification up-front when the collection is arranged - but sometimes, well, mistakes (?) happen.

Watch the driver’s face for bulging veins – it’s great fun!

"Have you got an apron and gloves to pick this up with?"

The look of horror and suspicion here will be priceless – particularly if the driver was told that this was a simple parcel collection.

"Gee, it’s a pity you’ve come here because the box is at our other plant 15 miles away"

This is a true classic and guaranteed to upset even the most normally placid person.You can compound the outrage by pointing out that the booking system doesn’t precisely make clear the difference between the address where the pick-up is being arranged from and the address that the pick-up will be made from. Most drivers in these circumstances will welcome the distraction of a frank debate and exchange of views on the subjects of semantics and business processes.

"I thought you also did on-site packing."

This is best delivered once the courier driver has been steered by you into a room to collect the parcel, only to find a pile of bits and pieces, an empty carton and some polystyrene balls. Be careful to stand back though – unless you want to find yourself put into that same carton.

"Don’t worry about the hazardous label on the carton – I don’t think there’s anything very dangerous inside."

To maximize the effect of this one on the driver, try to make sure that the box is moving a little of its own accord, and if you can be wearing insulated-looking gloves as you hand it over then so much the better.

OK, the above are all played for fun, but there are some serious messages. If you’d like a routine collection and subsequent delivery, try to make sure there are no unpleasant surprises waiting upon the delivery person's arrival.

Norman Dulwich is a correspondent for Courier Exchange, the world's largest neutral trading hub for same day courier driver jobs in the express freight exchange industry. Over 2,500 transport exchange businesses are networked together through their website, trading courier jobs and capacity in a safe 'wholesale' environment.