Facing up to the realities of caring for an elderly parent

Aging happens slowly, so slowly that you can find yourself caring for an elderly parent long before you are mentally ready to face it. It can be hard for your parents as well, as they need to accept that the carer role in your relationship is no longer theirs.

For some caregivers, the change will be abrupt. A stroke or accident will mean that a once independent parent suddenly becomes dependant on others and may need live-in care. For others, there is a slow decline and a sudden realisation that your parents need your help.

It's life changing

You will need to consider carefully how you can manage the needs of your parents with your lifestyle and your family. You may need to consider if you will have to reduce your hours at work, find childcare for the grandchildren or invite your parent to live with you. Or perhaps managing outside help is the solution that fits your family best. Even so, sourcing and supervising cleaners, meal deliveries, home help or carers can quickly eat into your time.

There are physical changes that you will need to adapt to as well. Keeping rooms clutter free for ease of passage with a walking frame. Perhaps even rearranging the house so that your parent doesn't need to climb stairs.

It's mentally challenging

You can still remember your mother kissing your bumps better or your father driving you, and your belongings, to your first home. Now it's you picking up the pieces when old age causes clumsiness or driving your parents to appointments. Of course, it's going to be difficult to mentally adjust your outlook.

It's very normal to feel resentment at having to change your lifestyle to accommodate your parents. Whether it's anger because you can't meet your friends for coffee or frustration that you can't pursue your career goals on part-time hours it can be difficult to deal with your emotions. Mixed into these emotions can also be early stages of grief as you watch your parents decline towards death, especially over a long period.

Accept when it's too much

Eventually there will come a time when your parent's care requirements are more than you can provide on your own. At first you may bridge the gap with cleaners or day centres where your parent can be assured of a hot meal and companionship. Sooner or later though you will need to make a decision about whether it's time to find a care home.

Some elderly people thrive in carefully chosen care homes, but others find them isolating and institutional. They resent following a routine and miss having family around. If your parent wants to stay at home then there is the alternative of live in care to provide fully managed, round-the-clock care.

Whatever solution you feel fits right with your family it is important not to feel that you have failed in your duty if you can't care for your parents yourself. Acceptance of the way things are is perhaps the most difficult reality of elderly care.