Married Life - How happily marHow happily married is much more important than just staying married

Indian society has always rated marriage as one of the most important phases of life. It is almost the coming of age. Indian marriages have the stamp of being mostly an arranged affair although there have been dramatic changes in the last decade since people have started moving around and mingling with other cultures. Humanity is a churning pot of ideas and feelings which take on the shape of social norms. Indians spend a huge amount on the actual drama of marriage. The rituals and the ceremonies. There are relatives, the quintessential gifts, blessings and the food.

What a lot of families forget is the post wedding, marriage problems also walk into life not that anybody wants it to happen. The bride and the groom have the tension of what the future entails and very few actually sit them down and then guide them basis the experiences they have undergone. Talking about personal experiences, each man and woman who have been in this quagmire called marriage develops their own method to live and face the situations that come up. The post wedding life thus becomes very important and very over looked aspect of this new relation.

This article about how to handle the relation beyond the day the actual wedding gets over and the so called blissfully wedded life begins. Marriage is good aspect of life, no point running away or pushing for delay in marriage for lack of surety that it will function as expected. Life together is a skill. To make relationship work, for the rest of life, the adjustments, the compromises, the fun, the extended relations, the synergies between the in-laws and with the in-laws etc all go in here.

Monumental changes are a given, on the trip to build this life together. Living a life full of love is a skill that has to be passed down in the menagerie of other physical things that gets add as marital life chugs on.

Keep expectations very low and not to the stars and back, it is bound to fall flat and lose steam and then create all sorts of mess. Quoting from an article (I forget the writer, but give full marks), ‘The intensity of our frustrations reflects the scale of our expectations’. The person we marry is the person from who we have endless expectations and here lies the main problem.

What if we already knew and we accept that the happy marriage is a curious ego booster. The relationship is all about knowing that even if we are marrying the man or woman we have known for eons, when it comes to post wedding situations, we have to stop expecting and start accepting.

There is a psychology and philosophy and even science to marriage. There is always someone who goofs up and we have to just know that sometimes this also is ok and we have to take the person the way they are and not make mountains out of molehills.

There is a given belief that at some time between the beginning and the end of the marriage, people will make each other miserable and want to quit. That gives rise to situations like seven year itch and the various debates around it.

Intention is important. Because lack of intention is the root cause of not wanting to resolve any disputes. Not that anybody consciously looks for issues. If intent is right the beginning is always communication. To share and want to come on the same stage that can set the record straight. Off course, infidelity and disloyalty etc have to be dealt differently.

Everyone is into roleplaying in life and we all have to take on that extra bit sometimes to make things smoother. There will be times when best intentions will be subject to energy levels and there will be moments of self-doubt too. It is complicated, but this complication makes every relation beautiful. The society has always warned that we will have to accept and move ahead, this was when women were subservient. Not any more, it is we shall communicate and move ahead together now.

We are creatures of habit and we tend to wean towards partners who seem to match with people we have grown up or have impressed or we have endured in life.

We have to understand that we have to accept each person as a package and not as a standalone entity. We tend to recreate the people we have had around our lives and have left an indelible mark on our psyche. So apart from individual behaviours, the partners will have acquired specific traits from people they have grown up with or encountered in their respective lives.

Another marriage problem solution is not to blame and critique forgetting that we all have flaws. We are not perfect, in fact nobody can be perfect. It is subjective like looks are to a relation. We have to stop the blame games and the constant want to change the partner and be like someone who we believe makes us comfortable. Let us articulate the fact that looks also do not add, cooking skills cleaning skills etc all can be acquired. Learn as time passes is important. Marriage is a teacher so be a wiling student. It is always in session. Like every teacher, patience has to be on premium and we should be able to take feedback. Everyday should be about becoming better versions of ourselves. We owe it to ourselves. Being a good listener is important.

There is maturity in everybody but life sometimes can be overpowering and we tend to be dragged into the rigmarole of daily life and sucked into it. We are all keepers of conscience and hence the partners involved have to be aware of how frustration can hurt the best intentions.

We need to be ready to be allowed to explain and we should honestly owe explanation too. Partners should be able to debate and even fight. Fights are good just manage the level at argument and not make it a war. Lack of argument makes life staid. We have to be at it day after day, every day.

Another thing is the façade that some put up and which becomes difficult to live-up to and then the mask comes on the struggles begin. We have to be aware of how then intentions crumble and then we sit around mopping, then blaming and the communications goes into a corner to be punished.

We need to have realistic outlooks about what and why and who we are and we have to tell ourselves that seldom are we pushed into marriage. We have agreed to it mentally and emotionally and physically too.

Respect is the key on which the relation works. This key and the keyhole of marriage has to be matched properly. This is also important to stop believing in the media created image of the in-laws and the demanding behaviours and momzilla moments at the new house.

Do not resent and do not be defensive. Trust yourself and trust those partner instincts. Be reasonable on yourself. Indulge in some fun and have some ‘me time’ individually. Having a life apart because you should not be at the beck and call all the time. Too much availability diminishes the respect and value attached to the partner and their time.

We should not tell on our partners for letting us down or as a solution to marriage problem. We should not crib and on the days when our feelings are not very clear or we have need convincing, we need to comfort and we need to cope with our life. Life is about being supportive. We are not in the relation to make judgements or change the opposite person. The relation should help the union grow not make it an emotional baggage. So have clear goals is important. Let us not be patronising, let us live life like we are here to share the planet and not to rule each other and prove a point.

When the partners started dating or talking, the initial attraction was because the people involved came across as people with brilliant and outstanding qualities. Slowly the initial excitement will wean off. But we have to remind ourselves of that. We have to be better at what we have. We know that but as we live life why do we focus on the lack and not the ones that defined us at the beginning of the relationship?

Relationship advice and counselling can help to some level, but there has to be a permanent solution. There are go to elders in the family who will share examples of what should be the ideal life and ideal compromises for a peaceful co-existence.

• Secret of Life’ the philosophy by world famous humanitarian ManavGuru Shri Chandrasekhar Guruji looks at the root cause and then puts in actual solutions which can be permanent and not piece meal or temporary.

Positively happy married life always have slew of negatives. It is part of the deal. Let us not sanitise our minds and our relations based on the whitewashed and spotless effect of others marriages. Stop comparisons. The bane of any relation is comparison. We are coaxed into comparing since childhood and somehow we have a global culture of comparison.

To summarise let us not forget that we are work in progress. We are all prototypes of nature and perfect people simply do not exist anywhere.