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Why holding on to your ex, won’t make him come back

Author: Justine Mfulama
by Justine Mfulama
Posted: Nov 08, 2019

We have all been there, a breakup happens but we don’t really want it to. He makes a decision and we have no other choice but to comply, heartbroken.

What follows are days and weeks of grief and desperation during which you nervously try to find a way to get him back.

Maybe if we have one more last talk he will realize that I’m the right one for him. Maybe if he comes over and sees me happy and cheerful, he will remember how much fun we had. Maybe if he hears me cry and regret my actions, he will have compassion and reconsider it.

We keep his clothes in case he wants to pick them up. We remain friends on Instagram, in case he wants to slide into our dm’s. We keep the door just a crack open, in case he wants to come back.

We do whatever it takes to hold on to him. But no matter how much you cling, beg or plead that what you had was good it won’t make him come back.

Because what makes a man want to be with you is not your dependence on him, but your love for life regardless of his presence or not.

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There is nothing wrong with showing vulnerability to him while you are in a healthy relationship, but it becomes a problem when your love and affection is wrapped by neediness. Your insecurity and dependence only turn him off more and he starts to wonder why he wanted to be with you in the first place.

Why is that?

  1. You make him the center of your life and that scares him. If your identity is dependent on him and you validate your self-worth based on how much he loves you, he feels the pressure. A pressure to carry the load, not just of his happiness but of yours too. No man wants to feel like your life will fall apart if he messes up.
  2. You don’t give him space to reflect on the relationship. After a breakup, a man’s natural stress behavior is to retreat and be alone so that he has time to reflect and think about the relationship. After all, he decided to break up for a reason. If you cling to him in this time and don’t allow him space to figure out what he wants for his life you are adding to his stress level and ultimately push him away further.
  3. You pressure him to choose you. The fact is, even though you two have been exclusively dating, he is allowed to break up with you. And if he did it respectably, you cannot be mad about it either. Not every relationship ends in marriage and more importantly not every relationship gets it right the first time. Don’t pressure him to be with you, because you are worried about losing him forever. If you are always around, he won’t have the chance to determine whether he prefers life with or without you.

Understand that if he decided to break up, all you can do is accept his decision and start focusing on yourself. Work on your self-esteem and anxiety around relationships so that you are more confident in the next one.

Women with more self-confidence don’t cling to others as a way of validating themselves. You can practice positive thinking and self-love by repeating affirmations every morning and every night. That will help you increase your sense of self-worth and keep you from clinging to an ex in the future.

About the Author

Hi, I'm Justine Mfulama, a dating and relationship coach. I love to share my advice on everything love and look forward to contribute on here.

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Author: Justine Mfulama
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Justine Mfulama

Member since: Oct 06, 2019
Published articles: 11

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