Would you trust the future of your kid’s childhood to a complete stranger?

Every day separating parents hand over the responsibility of their children’s future to someone who doesn’t know them. With lawyers fighting for your youngster’s rights, judges and magistrates have no understanding of who your children are when they make a decision about who they will live with, and when they will spend time with the other parent.

The journey of litigating in court is risky, draining and expensive. Like many who go through it, you may feel completely justified, you expect to win (otherwise you wouldn’t be here). After all, what the other parent did is inexcusable!

Character assassinations and wild exaggerations from both sides, designed to convince a judge they are the better parent, are humiliating, painful and common. The truth gets lost in the fight. Each party has their own version of the truth. Everyone is convinced they are right. The judge has heard it all before, and much worse.

To your dismay, you will learn that when all is said and done, your anger or the indiscretions of your ex don’t count for much in court. The judge will make a decision about the future of your children irrespective of your pain.

In my humble opinion, court cases dealing with separations are seldom about justice, rather about who has the best lawyer and who can afford to stay in court longest. One side usually gives up when they can’t go on any longer.

In the end, when all is said and done and it has cost you so much that you’ve lost your home, you end up more angry and bitter with your ex than ever. Chances of co-parenting are in tatters, and your kids suffer the fallout of their parents’ ever increasing vitriol.

As mediator, we hear parents who tell us their appalling tales. If we were less experienced, when we hear the first parent tells us their side, we might think "Oh, how terrible, you poor thing. How could they do such a thing to you?" Then we hear the tale of other parent, and think "Oh, how terrible, you poor thing. How could they do such a thing to you?"

Being impartial, we believe both may be telling their own version of the truth. Of course we care, and we empathise, but experience tells us that there are always 3 sides to every story. Each person’s side and there is what really happened.

The skills involved in mediation have nothing to do with finding fault, truth, or rights. Mediation is not about positions. It’s about helping parents to focus on their children’s best interests, getting them to a place where their children are more important than their anger, enabling them to think of new options and make appropriate decisions together as parents.

We understand that (with exceptions) nobody knows their children better than their parents. With an emphasis on their children’s wellbeing, we help divorcing couples to consider the needs of their children, rather than fighting with each other.

At first many people think that mediation won’t work for them, because they can’t communicate – or even be in the same room. We understand that. Our transformative model helps both parties to be better able to communicate openly and effectively.

Not suitable when there is current violence or entrenched conflict, most parties are suited to the mediation, and our process of mediation helps parents retain responsibility for the decisions about their own children. As long as parties are willing and able to work with the process, there are winners in this transformative Co-model of mediation, both the kids and the parents.

Naomi Holtring MDR is Managing Partner of InterMEDIATE Dispute Management, the only non-government funded organisation in Australia to be listed on the Federal Government’s website for Dispute Resolution, and Advice Line. She can be contacted on +614 14 893 119 Naomi@interMEDIATE.com.au

For more information, please visit: http://www.intermediate.com.au/family-services