Can couples counselling save your relationship?

At first, relationships are all fun and games. You like each other, you do everything you can to make the other one happy, enjoy time spent together and just can’t believe your luck. Then, after a while, small couple fights start happening, but nothing too serious to damage your bond. You argue about who’s going to make dinner, what movie to watch, or who takes the dog out this morning.

But what is there to do when little fights turn into more serious ones? Suddenly, all these issues that seemed small at first start to gain proportion, drifting you further and further away from each other. When this happens, you have two options: either break up and move on with your life, or give your relationship another chance and consider getting some professional help to guide you along the way.

What is couples counselling?

Couple’s counselling is a form of therapy that aims to help couples get past troubled stages of their relationship. Sometimes, people need a bit of guidance to understand their partner, learn to communicate, or simply change their expectations about what being in a relationship really means.

A counsellor will help identify the pain points, teach both partners how to efficiently communicate, set objectives and work together towards meeting them. Depending on the type of issues that you have, your therapist will find various methods to help you solve and prevent them from coming back.

When you first meet with the counsellor, the session will begin with some questions, that will help them, and you, determine the root cause of your arguments. After getting to know both of your better, they will start recommending treatment that may involve individual and couple "homework", to teach you how to apply what you learn during therapy.

Can it be useful in your case?

Couples counselling can be beneficial for any kind of relationship, no matter its length. Some people go to premarital counselling, to learn how to manage expectations regarding marriage, while couples married for 20 years may try therapy to learn how to regain interest in each other. Usually, the most common reasons why couples go to counselling are:

• Trust issues

When trust has been broken, regaining it can be quite difficult, especially if cheating has been involved. No matter the reason for this major breach of trust, overcoming it often needs professional help. By going to counselling, couples can learn the reason why such situations happen and what they can do to move on together.

• Frequent arguments

No matter if there are minor or major fights involved, when they become a habit, rather than a sporadic issue, it may be time to seek professional advice. The subject of minor fights is rarely the real cause behind them, and a counsellor can help you identify the pattern and break away from it.

• Poor communication

Feeling misunderstood or not being able to express your feelings can be a serious problem. Sometimes, people don’t talk about what’s wrong, and other times, they talk about it too much. Either way, a counsellor can help you reconnect and start hearing each other, or speaking more efficiently about the things that bother you.

• Intimacy issues

Unfortunately, many couples don’t talk about intimacy issues, be them emotional or physical, until it’s too late. This is when cheating, lying or going behind your partner’s back starts happening. Sexual or emotional frustration can lead to a series of events that may result in trust issues or other problems, which is why seeking professional help is extremely important.

How to find a good counsellor

Finding the best counsellor can be a difficult challenge, but it is highly important if you want to have a chance of solving your issues. You don’t have to seek out the best of the best, but rather someone that understands your problems and how you work as a couple. Just like with individual therapy, you need someone that you can both feel comfortable talking to and feel they have your best interest at heart.

Look out for reviews online, speak to other friends who had the same issue, and try to find at least a few options to prospect. Getting involved in this process together is highly important, as you both have to feel safe during therapy.

I recommend finding a counsellor that has experience with treating couples, not only individuals, as they will have a better understanding of your issues. If one of you is already seeing a therapist, it may not be wise to go to the same one as a couple, to avoid them unwillingly taking sides.

Is it time to move on?

Sometimes, even with all the work in the world, relationships are just doomed to fail. Learning when enough is enough and when it’s time to move on is extremely important. Staying in a marriage or relationship that is not going to work will only make you feel worse and is not going to help either of you.

If you’ve tried years of therapy, but patterns are not being broken, maybe it’s time to accept the fact that you are not meant for each other and move on. But spotting the signs is hard, and this is where a good counsellor should help. They should be able to tell you when things are not moving the right direction, no matter how hard that is to accept. Some of the signs that you should start considering a definitive break up are:

• When one of you is unable to compromise for the sake of saving the relationship, no matter how much the other one tries;

• When lies and trust-breaking continue, even after years of therapy;

• When one of the partners is constantly controlling or abusing the other;

• When the same old habits continue to resurface;

• When priorities differ significantly and you can’t seem to find the balance;

• When the relationship lacks intimacy or affection;

• When infidelity turns out to be a choice, not a mistake.

Cynthia Madison is a young blogger and economics and marketing graduate. She writes about home, lifestyle and family topics and is a senior contributor to popular niche publications.